Judge for yourself!

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Nick Frost as Clive
Simon Pegg as Graham

Late at night. Clive sitting awake at the computer, looking up flights.

Clive: Shit. (Shaking his head a bit, he has out a credit card anyway and starts putting the numbers in.)

Different flat. Side view of Graham, lying on his back and backlit by the early morning light through a window, slumbering unpeacefully. A closeup of his mouth: [2]

Graham: Paul.

He sleep kicks a table and knocks over a snowglobe. He starts awake, tears on his face, and searches around the bed frantically. The camera focuses in on the shattered pieces, then suddenly shifts a bit to show a tattered teddy bear right next to it on the floor, soaked with the fluid and covered with snowy bits and glass shards.

G: Shit. (picking the bear gingerly up by one tenuously connected leg) Oh Paul. (He shakes it to get the crap off - and the body detaches and falls off onto the mass of splintered glass.)

G: SHIT!

G stares at the mess for a moment. Shot of the larger room, which has been trashed. G grabs a nearby crate full of records, (one of the few things not already knocked over or broken) from his recently failed business and dumps them out on the floor, then upends the crate over the whole hazardous mess so that he and the cat won't step in it. Still clutching Paul the Bear's leg, he kisses it, then curls back up on the bed, staring blankly out at nothing.

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Scene at a crematorium. Voice over faintly of a minister saying the Anglican service for the dead. Her voice is bland and somehow soothing.

Tracking shot, over mourners.
A woman of about 65, well turned out but rumpled, then you see Graham is holding her hand, and then Clive is revealed as having his arm around Graham's shoulders. They look quite sharp in their dark suits, actually.

Graham has his puffy eyes closed and is breathing shallowly. Clive, also wan, is staring down at the floor. As the camera slides by, Graham draws a choked breath, and Clive immediately looks to him and squeezes comfortingly, and just then the moving camera reveals the woman next to Clive, Tasmin.

[Bowie's "Move On" from Lodger, just the instrumental, begins] [3]

Her expression while watching them combines sadness, doubt, affection, jealousy, and compassion, all in about three seconds of screen time.

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Rapid montage of their travel to San Diego

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Hotel room, they're opening their bags.

[end of Bowie's "Move On", with the jet noises fading out...]

Graham places a very battered, balded teddy bear on his pillow.

Clive - Heyyyyy! You brought your bear!

Graham - After some deliberation, yah.

C - (Looking to Graham for permission, then picking it up) Is it - missing a limb?

G - I'm afraid so (passing a hand over his face) it came off the morning of the funeral in fact.

C - Oh fuck, man. (cutesy voice) Hello Mr. Bear! You look all worn out with too much rough lovin'!

G - It's a, it's a she actually.

C - (Cradling it, excessively cutesy noises while tickling its chin) Poor Ms. Bear with a leg ripped off. Were you chewing on her or something?

G - No!

C - It's just she's a bit soggy. Say you were chewing.

G - No, I wasn't, I -

C - First girl I went down on said she used to get off by squeezing her teddy between her thighs.

G - I did not molest Paul!

C - A bitter cunt.

G - Wha?

C - Literally, I mean, I don't know what she'd been eating -

G - (noise of disgust) Uhhh.

C - (tossing the bear  up and catching it like a toddler) Or medications, that can change flavor, I'm told, I don't think it was an infection, she looked fine; there'd probably be clumpyness or thickness or discoloration of the, you know, fluid... [4]

G - Shut it!

C - That's prime health edutainment, son, listen and learn. (holding the bear gingerly out by an ear and sniffing fearfully) What is that damp?

G - Give it! (Graham grabs at the bear, and the ear rips off in Clive's hand. They exchange a look of great dismay)

=======================

Graham watching with concern, Clive seated on the bed and trying to re-affix the ear using a paperclip.

C - Did you say she's called Paul?

G - Yeah.

C - What, after RuPaul?

Strange interlude: Flash of the bear with a big platinum wig on and a teensie corset posed on a runway, Graham making it sway along, music clip "Now prance, prance girl! Now prance, prance I said! Just do it" [5]

ZWOOP back to `reality''. It's not clear whose fantasy interlude this was, perhaps they jointly generated it. That will be the case throughout unless otherwise specified. They both look confused for a moment...

G - No! It's more, I really liked the name Paul when I was a kid, but the bear had a bow on its head when I got it.  As a cast off. From my sister.

C - S'only way you can tell plushies apart, that and long eyelashes. Males greatly outnumber females among the plush, by that rationale, don't they?

G - Something to do with males being the `standard', I'd guess. (flops back on the bed, leaning a leg against Clive's side)

C - Mmm, it's a mystery how they reproduce in such numbers.

G - (puzzled shift of eyes, pause) Mitosis, I suppose.

C - Budding. A-sexual reproduction. (gives Graham a stern look) Makes it doubly wrong to be splooging all over her.

G - I did not!

C - (giving up on the ear surgery) Oh, fuck it, d'you have a rivet gun or something?

G - (sighs) I'll just stow it with the leg.

Mini homage-o-meter

[1] Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist, is, of course, the creation of the fabu Shaenon Garrity.

[2] Citizen Kane opening sequence

[3]  Bowie's "Move On" from Lodger

[4] Anecdote about the first young woman I (Sir Real) went down on, actually. I've used a barrier since, for safer sex reasons mostly. And as with coffee, I like the smell, not the taste.  :D